Question from a website visitor …
I’m stepping into religious life… or at least I think I am. I was wondering – do you ever feel lonely and alone? I really hate travelling alone and I yearn for the physical presence of a man – not sexual – just the ‘being there’. Jesus is my spouse, yes, but there are times when He just isnt there – and you just want someone to lean on or to hold you or to just pick you up from the airport. I dont know if you know what I mean. Is this normal? And how can we deal with it? Or do we just accept it and learn to suffer it?
Thank you for the question, Rosemary. It’s a good one, one that I certainly wondered about when I was considering religious life. The answer has many dimensions, so I’ll just give you my thoughts (hopefully in some semblance of order) on loneliness.
Feeling lonely is something everyone feels at one time or another, nuns included. But do nuns feel it more acutely because they make a vow to be celibate, that is, nuns choose to not have 1) sex or 2) romantic or exclusive relationships? (NOTE: the vow of celibacy is actually not about the “have not’s” but about being free to love all and go where God calls us to … but that’s the subject of a future post). Because of this vow, it may seem like women who become nuns are going to be physically lonely — like you said, not necessarily in a sexual way, but just having someone physically present to you.
This is a question that I too had when I was discerning religious life. I wondered about how intimacy (not talking sexual here) could be expressed as a nun — physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy. I didn’t know if the vow of celibacy and just the general life of being a nun prohibited any kind of close connection with others. I treasured my relationships with close friends, siblings, etc. What was going to happen?
Now, I’m not exactly sure how this all worked itself out (probably by living into it and trusting God), but I do know that I came to realize that God did not desire that I be cut off from everyone, that I be isolated and therefore alone. It’s just that my primary relationships were now with my religious community, and (as it always had been) with God. My community of nuns is my family. They’ve got my back — always. And I’m there for them. I’d drop just about anything (short of someone else’s welfare) in a heartbeat for any one of my nuns. So in this sense, I am never lonely or alone.
In another sense, however, there is a kind of loneliness that I and others (not just nuns) experience. The source of such loneliness is not necessarily lack of another person, but that ultimate realization (conscious or otherwise) that only God can fulfill us. Saint Augustine wrote, “Our souls are restless, O Lord, until they rest in you.” Even with our closest relationships, we feel this radical loneliness because we long to dwell with God. Don’t mean to go existential on you here, but it’s an important understanding of loneliness. It’s what helps people not suffer loneliness, but embrace loneliness as an experience of God.
A little while back I wrote a post called, Do Nuns Know How to Love? You might check that out to for a response to your question here.
Do respond and let’s have a conversation about this. And I know others will have insight into this question too.
Archived Comments
- April 25, 2008 at 1:43 pm
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Loneliness is something I’ve struggled with during most of my religious life. I love my community and share your feeling that I would drop most anything if one of them was in need. I know they would also do the same. I believe it’s due to my age (mid 30s, vowed for 12 years) that the biggest struggle at the moment is not having that one special person with which to have an exclusive relationship. I yearn for that sort of intimacy. I do have one dear friend in my community and she does fill the need most of the time, but there are times when I want more. Thanks for your comments, Sister Julie. I enjoy checking your blog.
- April 25, 2008 at 5:11 pm
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Thanks Julie for a great post responding to an important question. As an almost-novice I’ve wondered the same things and think it comes down to trusting God, like most things do! But I did just want to comment on the bit of the question you missed about having someone to pick you up from the airport. It made me giggle because in my experience there is always a bundle of Sisters who offer to do airport pick-ups and drop-offs, Sister I know and those I don’t… far more options than most people have. And when I arrive in a city I don’t know? someone to pick me up and welcome me. In fact, in some larger cities there is even a Sister who has “airport runs” as part of their role in the congregation. It just made me smile that, while the physical stuff is definitely a thing to reflect on, there are some bits that are much easier as a Religious!
- April 25, 2008 at 5:43 pm
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I’m constantly picking up our Sisters at the airport!!
I must say that this was one of my wonderings as well, but my lived experience tells me that it’s just a different way of being. I rarely feel lonely so far in this life. There’s always someone there if I want – sometimes I need to carve some alone time because there’s always someone there, if you know what I mean. I think that when you find your group of nuns – the right fit – that you are at home with them and they with you. As Julie said, they’re your family and they have your back. One other great bonus if I feel so at home at every community house I’ve been to, so it’s like all of a sudden I’ve got homes all over the place!
- April 26, 2008 at 3:30 am
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Nicole … thanks for writing. Yes, being younger can be challenging because there’s no one or few sisters who are your age, your generation. That kind of companionship is important. My prayers and sisterly support are with you.
Sarah and Susan Rose … picking up and dropping off nuns is a real ministry! I’ve done it, and my nuns have been there for me. In fact one time I was waiting at DTW to be picked up and ran into a sister from another community who was in town visiting family. Her people never arrived so we packed her in the car and took her to her family! Now that’s sisterhood! Being a nun, a community woman, crosses all boundaries, congregations, and time zones!
- April 26, 2008 at 4:41 pm
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Sister, if you wanted to, could you speak to your family every day on the phone, or are there restrictions on that? If your family lived in the same city would you be allowed to stop in whenever you’d like, assuming you have free time to do so?
I’ve heard that during the novitiate, you’re not allowed to leave the motherhouse for the two years, and you’re not supposed to see your family. Was this the case for you, or does it depend on the order?
Sorry for the many questions! Great post!
- April 26, 2008 at 11:57 pm
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Dear Sister Julie, Thanks so much for the post…. it has answered most of my fears/doubts. It also helps to read Nicole’s post to know that well…. I’m not the only one… On another note, Sr Julie, esp. regarding the case of being picked up from the airport, my case is a little different. As I had mentioned, I feel that I am called to a Secular Inst (not a regular congregation) – where community life is a bit limited. So I probably won’t have sisters all around me to ‘have my back’. Still, I suppose its all about creating a community around yourself – friends, other families, congregational sisters etc. And above all, I (must) believe that I belong to Him and He will provide for me when the need arises. He is my spouse and He will take care of me! Thanks again Sr Julie.
- June 15, 2008 at 8:48 am
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I’ve been thinking of the idea of becoming a nun for about a year now and the thought still scares me a little bit. Why is it that nuns can’t admit they have sexual feelings too? It isn’t bad, it is just human. They are women, whole women, and that includes all desires and feelings. It doesn’t mean they have to act on them, it just means that they are normal. Surely becoming a nun doesn’t mean that you ignore that part of your human-ness! There are many ways of using that energy for other things, but I don’t think it should be something that is ignored or pushed away.
- June 19, 2008 at 4:45 pm
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I’ve never seen anything in writing either, but at times, there does seem to be an unwritten rule to not talk about such things. In my opinion, if we had healthier views (i.e., less shame) about our own sexuality (and that goes for lay as well as clergy and religious), we’d all be a lot better off. I do agree with Julie that such things are often very personal matters, and the people with whom we share such things should be chosen very wisely.
- October 14, 2008 at 11:35 pm
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Yes, i do feel lonely, I cry and cry and cry because I chose to move from home where I was comfortable and had everything I wanted but I could not have everything that I needed. Even in religious life that need, that longing for God is intense and yes I feel that loneliness and I continue to long for God just as much as before I chose to join Religious life which by the way was two months ago. I can say that here I always have someone to talk to, nuns that have my back, loving individuals, and a spiritual community but none of them and nothing in the world could satisfy my longing for God. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes but only when I choose not to share with them and with God.